


only a selfish man loves this way

by PassionateKey



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Feels, Fix-It, Hopeful Ending, Not Beta Read, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 04:06:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18933061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PassionateKey/pseuds/PassionateKey
Summary: She's holding his hand across the table again and Steve is remind of the conversation he had with Natasha in that car they borrowed on their way to Jersey. The one about shared life experience and how in this time Peggy is only 25 and he is 110. And then he remembers Bucky again, it makes his heart ache, because Bucky, is also closer to 110 give or take some years if you truly count the Snap, and like him, he is also a man out of time.





	only a selfish man loves this way

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so here's the thing.. did I watch Engame? No. Do I want to? Also no. But did I read all the spoilers? Obviously. Am I disappointed? Duh. (Also is this story a little self serving? Only the most self serving thing I've ever written) So here's my fix it and you can't do anything about. 
> 
>  
> 
> (oh also everybody lives and no one dies bitch! although they don't make an appearance) 
> 
>  
> 
> One more thing, I don't hate Peggy, I honestly love her character, I just hate that they reduced her to wrap up Steve's story in a nice little bow instead of giving her the story she deserves.. and of course my one (1) son James Buchanan Barnes deserved better then this.

His hearts pounding against his ribcage as he approaches the double doors. There's Jazz music seeping out of the frame and he can feel the vibration across the hardwood floors. He's had this dream before. The dance he missed with Peggy, the cold air and abandoned building that greets him every time he opens that door and then he's shooting awake drenched in sweat. He hesitates, door knob in hand, this time it's not a dream, this is real, or as real as it gets for some sort of parallel past and future. The specifics don't matter really, what matters is the reality at hand and the moment he sees Peggy and he looses his breath again for the first time in 70 years.

A group of drunk young men stumble out before he can step away from the door for the 4th time. One of them sees him, tall and impending in his uniform and quickly rights himself before alerting his friends who follow. Steve just smiles at them and nods before slipping inside, breathing a sigh of relief when it's really not a dream this time. The hall itself is beautiful, hardwood floors and twinkling lights everywhere give it a romantic feel. It's just like he had imagined it as he was sinking into the Arctic and thinking of Peggy one last time. He stumbles around more drunk young men in Army green until he hears loud laughter bounding off the walls that catches his attention, for a moment he swears it's Bucky and it causes his heart to skip. But then he turns and she's sitting at a table 2 steps from him, looking lost and forlorn at the dancing couples on the floor.

His breath catches in his throat. Was this how she had looked then? Was this what he had caused? His throat begins to itch and he's about to make another run for the door when she turns and catches his eye. The scrapping of her chair run up his spine like ice, she has her arms around him before he even notices she's moved and she's softly crying into his jacket. 

He has to remind himself that it's not a dream and it's all real before he wraps his arms around her middle and holds her tight.

"Steve."

She breathes his name almost like a prayer and he feels himself come apart again. He had caused this.

"Oh Peggy."

She pulls away for a moment, a watery smile on her face, a hundred questions on her lips. 

"It's a long story," is what he decides on before she can get one out.

She tilts her head to the side and places a small delicate hand on his cheek, before breathing out. "Oh Steve, you look so different. Like you traveled a million miles to get here. Like you're a million miles from home."

He tenses at her words. How did he forget how well she could always read him. Shrugging it off, he grabs her hand in his.

"How bout I tell you all about it after that dance I owe ya?"

She smiles, shaking her head at him.

"One dance."

 

The hall is mostly empty by the time they stop swaying to the music. Steve never wants to let go of the feeling of Peggy in his arms, but eventually his feet grow tired and he can tell that Peggy's in the same boat when she can't stop yawing. They pull apart and he can't keep a smile off his face as he offers his arm to walk her out of the dancehall. It's not until a young man with black hair and the stench of smoke clinging to his person, who reminds him so much of Bucky, bumps into them outside that he remembers his reality. Peggy notices, because of course she does, and tells him they should get some food at a diner down the road so he can tell her about his adventure.

 

 

 

He feels nauseas as they sit across each other waiting for their coffee, a man siting 2 seats behind is laughing with that sorta crooked smile Steve knows like the back of his hand and he's not sure why every other man he's seen tonight reminds him of Bucky.

"So, tell me Steve, what happened to you?"

He wants to laugh at her question, just dry and loud and humorless. What has happened to him?

"Where do I begin?"

 

He tries to keep it as vague as possible so to not disturb the future too much. He knows it's not the same one he's already lived but he's still not positive on the particulars of time travel and parallel dimensions and he'd rather not risk it. Peggy's face falls further the more he tells her about the things he saw and endured and about Howard and others they knew. Then he tells her about some she didn't. About the team and how many things are cured in the future, how you don't have to boil everything you eat, how young people are solving the worlds problems in so many new ways.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone Steve," she's reached across the table to hold his hand and Steve feels like crying.

He clears his throat before he tells her the worst of it.

"He's alive in the future too, Bucky." Peggy looks unsure of what to say so he continues. "He didn't die after the fall, or maybe he did, but Hydra found him, and they.. they turn him into someone else.. into something else. He's better now, but for a long time.. for a long time he wasn't."

Peggy nods her head understanding and they fall into silence as the diner around them continue to bustle with patrons. 

"Steve, may I ask you something?"

He looks up at Peggy, nodding her to continue. 

"Don't take this the wrong way but, even as you where describing the future, well your time in the future, even through all those hard things that happened, you seemed to have found some good things too, you seemed to have made a family of sorts, with your Mr. Wilson and Ms. Romanov and Howard's son and the rest of your team.. and of course Sergeant Barnes.. well he's back and.. Well I just wonder Steve, why come back?"

Steve swallows hard, not sure how to respond. He'd been asking himself the same thing the whole time. He'd told Bucky and Sam it was because he was a man out of time, because he was tired, because his fight was over, and to some degree that's true but he knew he could have stepped down in the future as well, so why was he really there?

"I think.. I think I was just ready for a chance at life Pegs."

She smiles softly at him, the way she used to the very rare times they had moments alone and then later on in the future when he would visit D.C and she would tell him about her life.

"I see, well there's nothing wrong with that. But won't you miss them Steve? Your family?"

"You're my family too Peggy."

She chuckles to herself at his answer, taking a sip from her coffee.

"Yes, but I'm no Bucky, Steve."

His throat begins to itch again. He wonders how she knows so well everything he's been conflicted with since he arrived. Before he can continue they're interrupted by a bus boy who asks to clear their table and Steve's stomach drops as a whiff of the boys cologne hits his nostrils. The look on Peggy's face when he catches her eye let's him know she knows as well.

Once the busboy leaves Peggy speaks again. "So, tell me about my life, what was I like in the future? Did I ever settle down and give my mom those grandkids she keeps pestering me about?"

Steve laughs softly and for a moment the tightness in his chest leaves. He's not sure if telling her about the future he was in ruins everything in this one, but ultimately he decides she deserves to know. "Actually yes, you gave her 3 in fact and they gave you plenty of beautiful grandchildren as well."

Peggy laughs, shaking her head. "Oh dear, 3 children. I supposed I saw myself settling down at some point, but still hearing about it seems so scary and impending."

"Oh don't worry Pegs you never stopped kicking ass and taking names. Trust me, you did great things, things that changed the world even."

"That's beautiful," she gives him a sad smile. "Well I sure hope I can still accomplish those things now, even with everything you've told me."

"I don't think anything could stop the great Margaret Carter from doing whatever she sets her mind too."

This time her smiles reaches her eyes and Steve feels content again.

"What about you Captain Rogers, what do you see yourself doing now?"

And then one simple questions throws hims off kilter again.

 

 

"Retiring?"

"At the ripe old age of 25?" She scoffs at him, no real malice in her voice.

"Technically I'm at least 110 Peggy."

Her smile falls again, "Oh Steve."

She's holding his hand across the table again and Steve is remind of the conversation he had with Natasha in that car they borrowed on their way to Jersey. The one about shared life experience and how in this time Peggy is only 25 and he is 110. And then he remembers Bucky again, it makes his heart ache, because Bucky, is closer to 110 give or take some years if you truly count the Snap, and like him he is also a man out of time, a man that Steve had just left behind. Suddenly it's all too real.

 

 

"Do you think I'm selfish Peggy?" he chokes out.

She looks at him with concern. "Selfish? Why? Because you're here?"

He nods not knowing what to say next, feeling all the pressure on his chest. 

She doesn't answer right away but Steve knows she understands what he's asking.

"Because you left him behind?"

All the pressure in his chest releases, and everything he's tried to push away since he arrived hits him at once. He left him. After everything Bucky ever did for him, he just left him.

"Steven will you look at me for a moment?"

His eyes snap to hers when he realizes he'd been looking down at their clasped hands for so long.

"Remember when we first met and I asked you why you wanted to be part of Erskine's program? You told me it was because you didn't like bullies and this was your chance to do something about it. Or when you found out Bucky's unit got captured and you went after them, you told me you where tired about being someone's monkey on wheels. And I know it's been a lot longer for you, but mere hours ago you sunk a ship into the Arctic and you told me you had to because it was your _choice_. I know it's been years since you've seen me Steve but I was just in the midst of battle with you and the Steve Rogers I knew and grew to love and respect never did anything he didn't want to do. No one's ever told you how to feel or love or who to fight for, you've just always done what you knew deep down inside was right. You're not a selfish man for wanting to leave the shield behind and retire to a peaceful life.. or to want love."

Peggy is looking at him with so much determination, Steve's not sure he can keep together under the pressure.

"I used to be so jealous of that love you had for him Steve, when you lost him I saw how much it broke you, and part of me wanted you to love me like that because I'm a little selfish too, but I knew you never would. And that's not to say you don't love me all the same, but it's a different kind of love. I think you've loved Bucky for so long with your whole self that that you never realized when it turned into more than just love for a friend..and then we met right?"

She looks at him with a simple smile and Steve remembers the first time they met.

"And I was new and different and yet still so much like him. And maybe if you had survived the first time around we may have found something in each other and our love would have gotten there, but we didn't get that chance.. and if you choose to stay we could find out right? We could explore this and it could be great. What an epic love story."

She chuckles and Steve can't laugh or he'll sob.

"Spanned against time and space.."

She looks at him, headed tilted and Steve remembers why he loves her so. She's calculated in picking her next couple words, knowing exactly how to get him to listen. Steve knows she's wrong, about never doing anything anyone else ever told him, because if right there, right now she asked him to stay he would. Because if back then, on the side of that road had Bucky asked him to stay..

"Except here's the thing Steve.. I think you've already had your epic love story. Best friends from childhood, Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, two men against time.. and no matter what, they always find each other. You could stay Steve and we could try but, what if without the war and the shield we're still meant to go our separate ways? Or what if you choose to stay here and you just continue to hear him in the laughter of every man and see him in every stiff lip and brown eyes and smell him in every whiff of cologne the wind blows at you."

He swallows the pain in his throat, looking away for a moment to watch the loud cheery men around them. He see's Bucky in every single one.

"I think you came back here Steve because you where scared of losing him and you wanted a love that was safe.. and while you're not a selfish man for that.. well I think I deserve to find my own epic love story don't you think?"

Steves voice is hoarse when he finally speaks. 

"You do, and he's great and you two love each other to the very end."

Peggy gives him a small laugh, he can see she's got tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

 

 

"What about the Bucky from this time? I can't let them do the same thing to him.."

Peggy shakes her head lightly, "No, we can't. But I'll find him Steve, your Bucky needs you back in your time. This Bucky.. I'll find him Steve and then.. then we'll find you, the you that belongs here. I'll do great things yet, things that changed the world even." She whispers the last part, determination back on her face.

Steve smiles, feeling his heart in his throat.

"I'm so sorry Peggy." his smile is watery and he feels like he could break any moment.

"Oh Steve, you have nothing to be sorry about. At least I'll know this time, that you're out there somewhere, alive, even if just frozen in time. And that dance.. it was everything a girl could ask for."

She leans forward and wipes a tear from his face, gently nudging on his chin to meet her, and places a soft chaste kiss on his lips.

"Even if we don't end up together in this time either Steve, I will always love you too."

 

 

 

 

"You should have told him you know," Sam stands from the bench he's been sitting on for the past half hour. "That you love him."

The man next to him grunts, as he pulls his hair back in a hair tie. "What good would that have done Wilson? Nobody's ever told Steve Rogers what to do and trust me, I ain't gonna be the one to do it first."

Sam rolls his eyes at the dramatics, these poor saps.

"I didn't say you shoulda told him to stay cause you love him, just that you do.. Maybe he left because he just didn't have all the facts."

The man shrugs, not bothering to answer, as he looks around the area they're waiting at.

"But you do love him right?"

Bucky stands, suddenly feeling too hot for the temperature it currently is outside, he shrugs again.

"I's always loved him," the of heartbreak on his face makes Sam wished he'd never said anything. "I think."

The sounds of rustling behind them has both ben turn in sudden alert. Off in the distance there's a figure making their way towards them, it makes something in Bucky's stomach flip.

"That was sooner than we expected."

Sam shrugs, "Time travel man."

He shoots Bucky a quick grin, who just ignores him and turns slightly away, looking towards the van they drove up in. Sam can see the tension in his shoulder and the clench of his jaw.

"You can go wait in the car if you'd like, you don't have to do this."

Bucky takes a moment to compose himself before he turns to face Sam. 

"I'll just be over here," he grunts pointing behind them.

The figure grows closer and Sam can see the outline of what appears to be a shield and blond hair and while he doesn't want to get anyone's hopes up, including his own, a feeling of relief passes through him.

Finally the figure makes it into view and Sam isn't sure what he's looking at. Steve looks exactly the same as he had when he'd left half an hour ago, except his beard is back and he has the shield.

"The beards back?" is what Same opens with because he honestly has no clue what to say.

In front of him Steve breaks out in a grin. 

"I like it."

Sam nods, "Uhhu, so, it's been a while clearly, how's life?"

Steve shrugs, the shield moving slightly with his actions.

"Not much, grew a beard, got the shield back, and here we are."

Sam nods again, this time turning to see if Bucky is seeing what he's seeing, unfortunately he's very distinctly sitting with his back to them, although Sam can tell from the tension is his shoulder he's listening.

"Right so.. well to be honest Steve I was expecting you to be like 105 showing up here again, not, well this." Sam gestures at Steve's whole everything.

Steve grins even bigger, "Well technically Sam I'm already past 105."

Sam closes his eyes for a moment and wills himself not to scream or laugh or cry.

"So.."

He opens his eyes again to see Steve staring beyond him, at Bucky.

"I'm back."

Sam nods. "Yes, I see that, why so soon?"

Suddenly Steve looks back at him and he looks so very vulnerable, it reminds Sam of when they first found out Bucky was alive as the Winter Solider, and then he thinks he gets it.

"Well one, I had to bring you this," he swings the shield off the harness and holds it in front of him, offering it too Sam.

In confusing Sam takes it, gripping the leather strap in his palm. "Why?"

"The new worlds gonna need a Captain America," Steve shrugs.

Sams mouth goes dry, he has to blink back several tears before responding.

"I- Are you sure?"

The smile Steve gives him is so genuine Sam feels a little dizzy from the impact.

"Never been more sure in my life.. Though I may want to borrow it once in a while, you know, for old times sake."

"Of course," Sam gives him a shit eating grin. "Anytime."

Sam looks behind him again where Bucky is still very stubbornly not facing them, then looks back at Steve who looks so lost.

"Is that all?" he asks hoping he's not wrong about what he thinks this means.

It's interesting to watch Steve shrink away before him, the man somehow manages to make himself appear several sizes smaller and so unsure of the world, but he steps aside and towards Bucky, only turning back in uncertainty to Sam once. 

"Well yes actually, see, I also came back because.. well I couldn't exactly leave my best guy here alone now could I?"

Sam hears Bucky's breath catch and he has to hold back from rolling his eyes, these dumb saps.

Steve stops walking when James doesn't react and it takes a lot out of Sam not to yell at him to react, but eventually, slowly he stands and turns to Steve, eyes watery and hopeful.

"Til the end of the line, right Buck?"

Bucky doesn't respond, instead closing the distance between himself and Steve and throwing his arms around him.

"Till the end of the line Punk," he whispers into Steve's shoulders. 

Sam laughs behind them, before setting down the shield and wrapping his arms around both men. 

"You poor dumb saps," Bucky grunts a response at him as Steve gives him a soft smile. "I'm really glad you decided to come back Steve, I'da felt real bad if I had to kick your old man ass otherwise for breaking Buckaroo here's heart."

Bucky kicks Sam's shin and they all break apart in small laughter.

"We're not friends Wilson."

Sam grins at him, patting his cheek, "Sure aren't.' Then turns back to Steve, "So Peggy Carter dump your ass?"

Bucky let's out a hardy laugh, patting Steve on the back, who tries to muster hurt on his face. 

"I always knew she was an intelligent women."

"Bucky!" Steve whines, looking between him and Sam, a soft smile on his lips.

"Welcome back Rogers," Sam nods at him. "Let's go home."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know anymore.


End file.
